Hope

The peace that the Lord grants does not announce itself.  In the depths of despair, you can't feel it coming.  In times like those, you have to remind yourself that the Truth isn't what it seems.  The truth is, God cares.  The truth is, God has a plan.  The truth is, God will carry you through.  While our heart is screaming, "IT'S NOT FAIR!!!!!!!  WHY DID YOU DO THIS?!?  ARE YOU PUNISHING ME?!?" somewhere in our head, our will? through sheer determination, we say, "This is under control.  God is on the job.  It's going to be ok.  Good will come of this..."  Little by little, our head and our heart get together and the feelings catch up with the knowledge. 
    In many ways, the cloud of confusion is beginning to lift and I'm beginning to be able to see that, indeed, God is bringing us through. 
   Yesterday,  I talked with a lady who is the director of a perinatal hospice in Kansas City.  I had talked with her before, when I was pregnant with the twins.  When she answered, I told her, "I never expected to be calling you up again."  She told me it actually wasn't that uncommon for a family to go through this kind of thing more than once.  Oddly, that comforted me some.  She also told me that with the first loss, families tend to lean on God and are able to trust Him and know He's got a plan.  With the second, however, the families tend to be angry.  I can say, that is how it has been for me.  With Charity, there was always an underlying sweetness and peace.  This time, I got angry.  May as well be honest about it.  It's not as if I fooled God.  I imagine that the anger will cycle through a few times, but, right this moment, I can feel God's peace begin to settle in around me, and I can feel Him again. 
    His body, the Church, is a beautiful thing.  We have been so blessed by our brothers and sisters in Christ.  Notes, calls, flowers, dinner...on and on.  And especially the prayers.  I know it's hard when you feel like you can do nothing for someone who's hurting, but never underestimate the value of praying.  It really means a lot.  And it works.
     We are heading out to our midwife's house today.  I am praying labor goes smoothly and quickly.  That would be a first for me.  :-)  When Charity died, the police officer who conducted the "investigation" (they have to do that any time a baby dies) asked if she was our first.  "No, 6th."  The officer said, "Wow, you must have really easy labors!"  I looked at our midwife and we both chuckled.  Not hardly.  Skin of the teeth type labors is more like it.  But God is good. 
    You praying types, keep us in prayer in these next days.  We have to get through labor, then plan a memorial...get through that.  Then make it back home to lick our wounds.
    'Til next time.
The Ewe