Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Hindsight II

I called Reid to come start the van.  We laughed--it was supposed to be my "time alone," but I had to call him to get bailed out.
  I sat in the van, waiting for Reid.  I had bought chocolate chip cookies in the health store, so I had a few while I waited.  I sat and prayed for Will, still thinking he was just asleep.  Every now and then, I would feel a little twitch, and I thought it was a little kick.  I guess now, maybe, it was gas.
   After a few minutes, Reid and the kids drove up.  He had instructed the children to not acknowledge me, since it was my night off.  Ha ha!  I waved "hi" to them from the van.
   Reid used the jump box to start the van.  He came around, kissed me and told me I needed to go on a short interstate drive to recharge the battery.  I thought about telling him I was concerned for the baby, but decided not to.  I didn't want him to worry.
    I pulled out onto the interstate and settled in for the drive.  On the radio, a preacher came on.  He was preaching about Job.  The focus of his sermon was, "Though He Slay Me."   This reference is from Job 13:15, "Though He slay me, yet will I trust in Him."
     I got a little agitated.  That was our verse during Charity's death.  I didn't want to hear that.  "NO, Will is FINE.  I will NOT hear that!!"  Tears blurred my vision.  I prayed out loud.  I ordered Will to move.  I changed the radio station.
      I kept telling myself, "Everything's fine.  He's just asleep." 
     The new station played, "Your Love, Oh, Lord."  Another thing I related to baby death.
    "You gotta be kidding me." 
The tears turned into sobs upon the line:
                                          "...I will find my strength in the shadow of your wings."

I didn't want to need strength.  I wanted Will to be fine. 
But, I knew. 


Jamie said...

Tears. Hugs.

Mama Lamba said...

Love you, Jamie.

Lisa-Anne said...

my sweet friend... how hard to hear all those things, to have such clear knowing. *hugs*
I can't tell you too many times how much I love you!!!